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Posts Tagged ‘stress’

Commitment is something that I have never been too afraid of, but something I go into very carefully. Buying a house has proven to be an exciting and stressful journey almost like a relationship. I’m crushing on my potential house. Waiting for confirmation from a friend or authority figure that it will work out (lender). I make an offer, the first step to including it in my life. The offer could be rejected, or another buyer chosen, leaving me crushed and homeless. Perhaps it could be accepted, though with strings attached. I’m hoping that everything will work out. Here’s hoping.

Tell me about a big step you’ve made in your life. What happened? Tell me about your home buying advice.

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These are great when you look at them by themselves. Sadly, these are professional people in their 30s and beyond, some far beyond, who are so petty and catty it’s ridiculous. Why do people start rumors and have to be so mean? Jesus h. Christ. You hate me because I work hard, have success, have kids that like me, am making a career and a name for myself, like my job, have a nice life, and called you out on our racist bs at my school. Instead of celebrating success, let’s tear them down.

1. I was expecting this. Apparently after months of denying each other my co-teacher and I are lesbians together. Her husband doesn’t care or doesn’t know, but it’s tearing my marriage apart. Our new found love is why I’m so happy the last few weeks (yes I’ve been giddy and goofy at school more than usual i.e. dancing and singing. Dancing and singing make me happy. you can feel the negativity and shut-downedness pulsating throughout the building like it’s alive. I am determined not to shut down and burn out, and if that means eating lunch alone again and being weird to keep my spirits high so be it.)

2. I am too emotionally attached to my kids. My overly emotional attitude and inability to let go of the kids is tearing apart my marriage and they don’t expect my marriage to last more than a year longer. My husband is sick of me and that’s why he made me stay down here during the week.

Why are people so cruel? Seriously does saying this shit about me make them feel better? Does it help their test scores? You want to say I suck or I sleep around or I’m principal’s pet go for it. That I’m an overachiever suck up? Cool. Why the hell would they say such horrible things about my husband that they don’t even know? We’re supposed to be professional ADULTS! This just makes me think my generalization paper about how teachers adopt the personality and social flaws of their students was totally true even though I surveyed a small percentage of teachers in each school. What did I do to you that you had to attack my personal life you bitchy teachers? I know it’s a rumor and it’s not true, but Jesus that is just cruel and heartless.

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Our boys made it to the finals of all city baseball.

I felt sad about leaving for the first time because I think I crushed my grade level principal. He kept asking if I was joking, then he just looked so sad and tired. I am sad about the reputation and relationships I have built this year. I am sad to start over though I know after everything I went through I am stronger and will make good choices. I am sad about the connections I have made with the great staff and the steps I have made on the way to bettering the school culture.

I also spent several hours bonding with a teacher who is very similar to me in philosophy and responsibility during the game, someone who I respect and have admired from afar.

And finally, testing went ok and I got to enjoy the latest book in my now second favorite series of all time: The House of Night book 7 BURNED! It rocks!

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I have baby brain. I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s making me crazy. Pregnant people terrorize me constantly. I see them everywhere. They remind me of my unused and shriveling up uterus. I want kids so bad, but The hubs and I have decided to wait until we have jobs and are more financially stable. Which is great and wonderful, but in the mean time I am surrounded by reminders of all the things I want and can’t have.

Yesterday we went and watched oceans which was not as good as earth. We also fought and argued about nothing. Why? Because we are both stressed out about the future. Where will we live this summer since we decided baby sitting cats we are both allergic to is a no go? Where will we work? Where will we move? I’m scared shitless to say the least, and so is he. This has happened to us before and it’s always turned out ok, but I’m still stressed about it.

Tapping on the iPad is love.

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My day off

Has been spent doing chores, watching movies via netflix streaming and my Wii, and applying for jobs.

Job and career wise everything is up in the air and that is pretty scary. This is going to sound like an oxymoron, but though I like to plan ahead I am really compulsive and spontaneous. I plan for multiple outcomes in lots of things, including social interactions, because I am neurotic and ridiculous, but I’m really laid back and go with the flow. I just let things happen and know that I prepared as best I could. Job hunting is something I hate with an ever loving passion. Last year when I graduated I put out 1800 applications, did over 60 phone interviews, 20 face to face interviews, had 6 offers, and everything fell through except for teaching and that was last minute, like hired less than a week before school started. I’m glad with my job, but I need a better location. Knowing schools wait until the last minute has me stressing about my future. Yes, I know I can always sub or work retail, but Jesus H. Christ thinking that we are going to be moving to an undisclosed location and hopefully getting things together when we get there is terrifying! We have until September 1st before we are really screwed, which makes me feel less nervous, but damn am I scared. I guess that’s why they call it a leap of faith. Or possibly suicide…

Have you ever done anything crazy like move or throw caution to the wind?

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I am having a hard time making decisions about myself recently. It’s always been a struggle to put myself first, but I can’t seem to get things together. I have an opportunity to go this Saturday and help write the curriculum for the 9th and 10th grade. I am so drained this week and I cannot seem to motivate myself to give up a Saturday for $50 and an excellent addition to my resume I really shouldn’t sacrifice. I mean something like that would look great, but I am just so tired. I have so much to do at home. I am trying to talk to a couple of other people to see if I can do something during the week, but I can’t justify spending the money and time of my one real rest day where I don’t have to worry about tomorrow. Especially when we have so much going on with home, looking for a place to move come June, deciding if we’re going to stay in this state or not, etc. So though I don’t want to sacrifice this great addition to my resume, I am going to for my mental health which if I lose that I will not be able to function for the kids that really matter.

Steven and I have decided that we are going to decide by Monday whether or not we are going to stay in Oklahoma. It’s really scary. Part of me is like we should stay here because we both have jobs. Part of me is like if we stay here we will get trapped. But I’m so scared that neither of us will be able to find a job in another state. My heart is just like freaking out about this so bad. Should we try to get somewhere else and leave it to the fates whether or not we will be employed or should we stay where it’s safe?

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