Posts Tagged ‘random’

So I have to tell you all this hilarious story. Christmas is a big deal in Europe. All the food and wine and festivities abound. But there is something sinister about it over here. Something that makes children weep in terror.

Santa Clause.

Yes, Santa Clause or Papa Noel is an evil monster in France and Switzerland. You see little santas climbing maliciously over balcony railings and I was like WTF is this what he does when there is not a chimney? Hahahaha. No.

Santa is evil. He comes into your home to reward the good boys and girls with toys and candy. But if you were bad you face a horrible fate. You are kidnapped and taken to the north pole, trapped in time as your tiny kid self, to make toys for all the good girls and boys. No elves. No music. You are santa’s slave.

So when you are watching the Rudolph special about the misfit toys, the French people are all laughing. Haha! You want to be a dentist? Maybe you should have thought of that before you were bad. Nope you were bad, you are now a slave forever! Make those toys for all the good kids and think about what you did child slave. Now sing and wear a stupid costume and dream of the life you can never have again. Slave!

So I’m laughing pretty hard at the poor wannabe dentist and how kids here are terrified of Santa with good reason. I don’t want to be trapped on it’s a small world for all eternity either kids. Makes you rethink all the songs now, huh? He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. Santa Claus is coming to town.


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And on the third day, Edward and Bella had teh sex in fade to black gloriousness and feathers with Jacob flexing in the background who has moved from rapes Bella with awkward predatory pursuit to infatuated with a baby that makes you wonder what the statement she looked 18 really allows, especially when the baby is touching everyone inappropriately and is conscious of this fact. But all was well, for Edward did actually birth the baby after it paralyzes mama Bella by tearing open her va-jayjay with his teeth. The end!

I would totally pay the $40 to see this movie because I would probably vomit from laughing.

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Pinterest Snark

Please note, the following commentary is meant to be a joke. I commend all you do it yourselfers as I fail at most of them, but you have to admit, at some point, you’ve gone too far.

Pinterest is not like other social networking, it’s more like delicious with a collection of links, but it attaches a pretty picture to your link and lets you sort them on pretty boards with other similar pictures. It’s a nice way to keep track of your bookmarks, and people follow your boards and repin your pretty pictures. Some of it is kind of stupid though. Like a LOT of people post LOTS of really bigoted and detrimental exercise “motivation” or really over the top do it at home stuff. Makes me shake my head. I mean I love all of the things you can do with pallets. And I like the clothes and rugs and scrapbooking tutorials, but some of it…

There was a thing to make deodorant at home and it ends up taking up the whole bathtub. I’m like WTF why do you need a bathtub worth of deodorant? How sweaty are you? And seriously, deodorant is not expensive. Why would you want a lifetime supply of deodorant for the price of one tube? And then you have to cut it and just UGH NO! Not to mention, have you ever seen old deodorant? It breaks and gets crusty and disgusting! So you just threw away like 50 cents worth of deodorant that realistically could have lasted you many years. Way to go!

This also applies to the person with like 8,000 tubes of chapstick. It’s like a dollar and that shit LASTS! What are you going to do with all that chapstick? Christmas presents for the world? Send care packages to Bono for his African babies? I mean come on! And where do you get the tubes? Do you buy the empty tubes in bulk? Do they give you a discount for buying that many tubes? Do you have little elves to fill up chapstick? Or is this like a church ladies thing where you all get together and fill up your own chapstick after Sunday service and brunch. The person who fills up the most tubes gets a prize?

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3 posts this week? WTF! I know right! Today I am stressing. Not about moving to another country or things I can’t control like family and friends and conventions that change schedules and make my brain explode. Today I’m stressing about my face.

When I was six I went to a Catholic elementary school. On Wednesdays we did a church service. It was winterish and I had to do a reading so my mom dressed up really nice and put me in these hideous red knit tights. It was raining so we went to the gym for recess and they made us take our shoes off and run around. So I’m playing tag, and I’m it, and the fastest girl in the class is inches from my grasp when my feet slip out from underneath me. So I use the opportunity of flying through the air to dive and tag her. Then I look down and realize there’s no way I’m going to get my hands down in time and I crash into the concrete.

But this isn’t the bad part. The bad part is at 6 I was very entrepreneurial. I had lost my first tooth and gotten $1 for it. So I pulled all of the other baby teeth out of my head, was the biggest gummy kid you ever saw, just to make some extra cash. The tooth in the front was my only tooth and it was over 3/4 of the way grown in. Do you see where this is going? My tooth shattered into a million pieces as I hit the ground. I won’t give you any other details about it, but let’s say I spent three days in the dentist office getting a root canal.

The dentist let the last little bit of tooth grow in and then covered it with a resin crappy mold of what he thought my tooth should look like and just stuck it in there at some random angle. I was in braces for 4 years between 12 and 16 because the way he jammed the tooth in there screwed up my face hardcore. We found out later that my jaw was dislocated and the orthodontist had to pop it in back in place with the orthodontic rubber bands. That was not a fun day.

Anyway, so I went to the dentist, some 20 years later after all this. The tooth in front is awful, gray, and having other problems so I have to have surgery to take it out. But they’re going to put a crown in so I will actually look like a human. I need to get braces again because I still have a baby tooth and the adult tooth isn’t above where the baby tooth is anymore. They need to remake a gap and pull it down. This caused my bottom teeth to shift and get crooked to compensate for the large gap. Depending on whether or not the orthodontist can do this, and pop my jaw back in place, depends on whether or not I go in for at least two rounds of jaw reconstruction surgery.

So, I’m kinda freaking out about money and recovery time and a million other things right now. Like that we have to move to freaking Switzerland and I have thousands of dollars of fracking dental work to do because a couple of people who didn’t think things through screwed up my head. I’m pretty upset about it. And not excited about getting my face cut open, but at least old gray tooth will be gone. Here goes nothing.

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I thought I was going to die today. No, not my regular I did something stupid and hurt myself kind of going to die. Heart attack from shock going to die. I am going to San Diego Comic Con which I am SUPER excited about. I’m going to go to the Game of Thrones, Big Bang Theory, Aliens vs. Cowboys, and the Spider-man panels and showings. I just found out that Star Wars The Old Republic will have 24 hour game trials so that is super exciting, but they haven’t announced the panel yet.

Which brings me to my freaking out!

There were 2 reasons I was going to SDCC: Old Republic and Nathan Fillion. Apparently both Castle AND Glee are going to do their panels on Sunday AFTER my flight! I’m so freaking pissed off about this right now. If I don’t get to see Nathan Fillion I am going to be SO FREAKING UPSET! IF THEY DO THE STAR WARS PANEL ON SUNDAY I AM GOING TO KILL SOMEONE! I READ SOMEWHERE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO GIVE BETAS TO CON ATTENDANTS!!! IF I MISS THAT, I WILL BE SO MAD! It will cost $300 to change my flight. I’m so upset about this I can hardly see straight. I know I should wait to worry, and there are other things I can see, but DAMMIT THESE WERE LIKE THE MAJOR THINGS I WANT TO SEE!!! Keep your fingers crossed, and if you hear anything around the interwebs PLEASE SEND IT MY WAY!

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1. Last night I went to the extended edition of Two Towers dressed as Merry. It was pretty fabulous for putting the costume together from other pieces I had laying around in about an hour. LOTR was pretty amazing, too.

2. I am trying to go through our crap, cook all of our food, and keep some semblance of sanity. Mostly I end up exercising and writing/reading after I work for a couple of hours then lose track of time and feel like I’ve gotten nothing accomplished. I need to sleep and write less I think.

3. Did I tell you guys that I got squicked out for the VERY FIRST TIME EVER?! Dudes! I have a minor in human sexuality, write erotica, and have been VERY involved in fandom. I read, write, edit, etc. And nothing really surprises me. I even used to play a game with a couple of bros where they tried to make me uncomfortable and always OBLITERATED the line and sent them away screaming and covering their ears. So, yeah, CRAZY!

4. Between writing a lot, reading a lot, I’ve also actually played some video games! This is more than a little impressive to me, but also makes me feel guilty for blowing more time. Why isn’t there more time in the day? GRR!

5. The rabbit has decided she likes to jump on the coffee table, pull out a kleenex from the box, then run off and chew it. Weirdo!

6. We went to a medieval faire on Saturday and it was freaking amazing! The best one I’ve ever been to! They actually had themed sets and the shows were pretty hilarious. I was disappointed with the vendors though because their prices have gone up considerably since Scarborough last year. I was also impressed that almost all of the vendors and shows were at Scarborough, so faire folk are like con folk that go from place to place sporting their goods and shows. DUDE I WANT TO BE A CRAZY LUSTY BUSTY WENCH! Dear Medieval Faire people, I could make insinuations about codpieces while having my boobs pushed out to next week. PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

Too bad I’m moving to Switzerland. Oh well, their SCA focuses on old west stuff so I’m sure as an okie I can find a job over there doing something similar LOL. Be like a saloon girl or something.

Well, it’s time for me to go accomplish something now. BAI!

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I forgot to post this over here Friday! SORRY GUYS!

I do something like this on three of my other blogs, so I thought I’d start doing it here, too. Current count is 25/50 of books to read this year. So here are some reviews for what I’m currently reading. Promise no spoilers.

House of Leaves

Came recommended and I’ve been putting off reading it for like 3 years because I knew it would be heavy and I don’t like to read post-modernism unless I can focus on it. This book is amazing and disturbing. It will mess with your head. A lot. But it’s amazing. Here’s a snippet from my goodreads review:

“House of Leaves is more than a book, it’s an experience in which the reader is an active participant in the story. Not only are you drawn into the analysis and the story, but it makes you question your world and the world of the author. If you’re looking for something different and exciting to challenge your perceptions and open your eyes to the similarities and differences in everything, past, present, and future, then pick up this book. But if you’re looking for someone to spoon feed you the answers without willing to take a step into this world and your own simultaneously, this is not for you.

Can you accept the challenge?”

Seriously, this book is intense, but God is it worth it. It’s not for the faint hearted, though, let me tell you. It’s gory in places. And THIS IS THE BOOK THAT SQUICKED ME OUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE! ME! I have a minor in human sexuality. I have won several awards for my “romance” writing. I edit and read other “romance” writers and have NEVER felt disturbed or uncomfortable by ANYTHING I have seen… until now.

You were warned.

On Writing by Stephen King

I’m not very far in this. I’m reading about the crazy things that happened to him as a kid. Seeing King’s inspiration and experiences and equating them with my own has been really encouraging. It proves that writing is work and not some lofty thing that a few people are blessed with and come easy to like some blessing from on high or whatever. Really interesting.

Laid Bare and Be With Me

The former is better than the latter. Not that into cliched romance and “stuff” scenes (no swords and sheaths for me bb), but I’m doing research on character development, setting, and genre norms. *shrug* I’d rather be reading Lorelei James, though. Seriously, if you want to read GOOD romance novels that aren’t frou frou and quivering/trembling leaves on the wind pick her up!

A Game of Thrones

Another recommendation by A LOT of people. The stills from the TV show intrigued me and so I wanted to read the book before I watched the show. Oh. My. God! This book is PHENOMENAL and OUTSTANDING! If Lord of the Rings spent more time on the characters and less on the plot and stage direction, IT WOULD BE THIS BOOK! If Lord of the Rings was written in this day and age, IT WOULD BE THIS BOOK! For those not in the know, Game of Thrones is the first in a series about several families in a medieval like world dealing with the political struggles of monarchy and birth right. It’s elevated, but it’s not out of reach. It’s historical, but without shoving it down your throat, and it’s not like some ridiculous ren faire like books with bosoms bouncing and swords a blazing. There are some amazing fight scenes, some kinda weird (but tame and work safe) love scenes, and an amazingly dramatic plot filled with intrigue and deception.

I am in LOVE with this series! Will probably finish the first book later tonight. EXCITEMENT!

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