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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

So I have to tell you all this hilarious story. Christmas is a big deal in Europe. All the food and wine and festivities abound. But there is something sinister about it over here. Something that makes children weep in terror.

Santa Clause.

Yes, Santa Clause or Papa Noel is an evil monster in France and Switzerland. You see little santas climbing maliciously over balcony railings and I was like WTF is this what he does when there is not a chimney? Hahahaha. No.

Santa is evil. He comes into your home to reward the good boys and girls with toys and candy. But if you were bad you face a horrible fate. You are kidnapped and taken to the north pole, trapped in time as your tiny kid self, to make toys for all the good girls and boys. No elves. No music. You are santa’s slave.

So when you are watching the Rudolph special about the misfit toys, the French people are all laughing. Haha! You want to be a dentist? Maybe you should have thought of that before you were bad. Nope you were bad, you are now a slave forever! Make those toys for all the good kids and think about what you did child slave. Now sing and wear a stupid costume and dream of the life you can never have again. Slave!

So I’m laughing pretty hard at the poor wannabe dentist and how kids here are terrified of Santa with good reason. I don’t want to be trapped on it’s a small world for all eternity either kids. Makes you rethink all the songs now, huh? He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. Santa Claus is coming to town.

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And on the third day, Edward and Bella had teh sex in fade to black gloriousness and feathers with Jacob flexing in the background who has moved from rapes Bella with awkward predatory pursuit to infatuated with a baby that makes you wonder what the statement she looked 18 really allows, especially when the baby is touching everyone inappropriately and is conscious of this fact. But all was well, for Edward did actually birth the baby after it paralyzes mama Bella by tearing open her va-jayjay with his teeth. The end!

I would totally pay the $40 to see this movie because I would probably vomit from laughing.

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Pinterest Snark

Please note, the following commentary is meant to be a joke. I commend all you do it yourselfers as I fail at most of them, but you have to admit, at some point, you’ve gone too far.

Pinterest is not like other social networking, it’s more like delicious with a collection of links, but it attaches a pretty picture to your link and lets you sort them on pretty boards with other similar pictures. It’s a nice way to keep track of your bookmarks, and people follow your boards and repin your pretty pictures. Some of it is kind of stupid though. Like a LOT of people post LOTS of really bigoted and detrimental exercise “motivation” or really over the top do it at home stuff. Makes me shake my head. I mean I love all of the things you can do with pallets. And I like the clothes and rugs and scrapbooking tutorials, but some of it…

There was a thing to make deodorant at home and it ends up taking up the whole bathtub. I’m like WTF why do you need a bathtub worth of deodorant? How sweaty are you? And seriously, deodorant is not expensive. Why would you want a lifetime supply of deodorant for the price of one tube? And then you have to cut it and just UGH NO! Not to mention, have you ever seen old deodorant? It breaks and gets crusty and disgusting! So you just threw away like 50 cents worth of deodorant that realistically could have lasted you many years. Way to go!

This also applies to the person with like 8,000 tubes of chapstick. It’s like a dollar and that shit LASTS! What are you going to do with all that chapstick? Christmas presents for the world? Send care packages to Bono for his African babies? I mean come on! And where do you get the tubes? Do you buy the empty tubes in bulk? Do they give you a discount for buying that many tubes? Do you have little elves to fill up chapstick? Or is this like a church ladies thing where you all get together and fill up your own chapstick after Sunday service and brunch. The person who fills up the most tubes gets a prize?

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Since I was a kid I have always had like the largest thighs in the world. In high school I was pretty skinny. Not toothpick like a lot of people I know, I’ve always had curves, but skinnier than I am now. I remember when flared spandexy jeans came out and I LOVED them but because they were so low I went from a size 7/9 to a 13 and felt self-conscious about it, but I didn’t care because I felt HOT! I always liked my bedonkadonk. Though it made playing soccer in those weird shorts a pain because I always felt like my ham hocks were out there for the world to see and the more I exercised the bigger they got…

ANYWAY

I’m kinda sick today. For our anniversary we went and got a pound cake. mmmm. It’s so yummy. Steven likes his straight or with cherry pie filling. I say yuck to having sticky things in my mouth. I hate syrup of any kind really. Oh yeah, pound cake. I like my pound cake with nutella and cool whip because I believe either go big or go home and it’s delicious.

It's beautiful and DELICIOUS!

And it’s a heart attack on a plate. And I wonder why I have thunder thighs? HA! So I made this glorious delicious snack, no this picture is not from yesterday’s snack it’s from the snack like a week ago. I pull the slices out of their airtight super cake saver of doom plastic and I put it on the plate. And I lather it up with the goodness. And I dig in.

Now comes the part where if you are at all squeamish you should turn away.

I warned you.

I leave the lid off the container and sit down with my glorious meal. And it’s SO delicious. And something possesses me to look at the pound cake on the table. The pound cake that instantaneously grew mold when exposed to the air. I look down at my plate and see just one bite of pound cake left. My bottom lip quivers as I see those nasty spores on my fork. I suddenly feel like I should go puke, but I don’t. And maybe it’s all in my head, but damn my stomach was very loud yesterday and nothing tasted quite right and last night was no picnic for someone who was already sleep deprived because I had a crazy dream about zombies and Daybreak and why does Sam Neil scare me SO DAMN MUCH!

So I slept in late today and am feeling like a loser. A stupid loser. A really fat stupid loser that ate moldy pound cake and didn’t notice because I swear if nutella is involved I would eat the grass that I am actually morbidly allergic, too.

Let the judgment commence LOL.

Love,
Me, hoping to have made you laugh or at least shake your head at my ridiculousness.

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Cuddle Attack

Steven is not a cuddler. I like to cuddle… a lot. It’s really bad when I’m sleeping. I sleep talk and laugh, but not nearly as much as I cuddle attack. While sleeping, I will roll over to whoever or whatever is next to me, glomp onto them with my arms, nuzzle my big honking head somewhere on their shouldery region, and throw my leg over them. This has been going on since I was a little girl and people called me the human pillow. My attacks were often met with hits, kicks, and bites. Or bending my neck back until I roll away. Which leads me to my story about last night.

I damn near lost my shit this morning. Steven has had a fever for a couple days now. Yesterday it was 104. I had about 27 thousand things to do and I didn’t sleep very much because he was hot and tossing and turning the night before. So we got up at 8 and start trying to get his fever down. A little worried, but he is responding to medicine and not being too pathetic. Decide to throw out the list of things to do for today and focus on taking care of him. I was awesome nurse extraordinaire.

Until last night.

I’m getting up every two hours to get him meds and I’m cool with that. Alarm is set and I’m ready to go. I put on 2 episodes of Star Trek, he’s asleep not even halfway through the first, and it’s about midnight when they’re over. TV is off. He decides he wants attention in his sleep, so he says.

Steven has talked in his sleep for years and is so sweet when he’s not aware that he’s talking, all smiles and weird. Twice in the last two weeks he’s woken me up talking and when I talk back he says “Shh, the angry man is coming. The angry man is coming.” Then he comes to, is all gruff, rough, and mean sounding and starts yelling at me about how I woke him up and I’m like DUDE you were talking to me. There’s a reason we call him Grinch. Ah well.

Anyway, he wants “to feel close to me,” he says, so he presses his hot bony leg in my side. Then he wants to drag his dragon talon toe nails down my shin. “She loves cuddles,” he says. This goes on for HOURS! I’m trying to get him to stop but he won’t. He is snoring like a bear intermittently this whole time, talking in his delirium. Now he wants to take all the blankets and push me off the bed. I’m considering kicking him to death and all of the other things he has done to remove me. He feels me get up to ditch him for the couch so starts whining that he doesn’t want me to leave. This is like 330 after laying there for 5 hours. Next he steals my pillows. I’m really possessive about my pillows. I sleep with a lot of them to prevent heart burn. Now I’m seriously raging and wanting to punch him in the face. I get my pillows back and lay on my stomach on top of them so he can’t have them. He grabs my leg and is shaking me telling me he likes to grab me and then snores and falls over.

It’s now six and he’s petting my head and rubbing my ear making weird noises. I can’t take it anymore. I get up and jump in the shower before I gut him. Maybe this is revenge for my cuddle attacks. Maybe we’re just some sort of odd couple trying to drive each other crazy so we (I) can tell the world.

A friend and I had an epic conversation about how to hide a body a la Dexter last week and cooking some nasty chili to be thrown out later sounds good to me. Wonder what’s for dinner? 😉

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Last night I dreamt I was running away from some Death Eaters with the HP Trio. Stop Judging Me! We were at Picadilly Circus and using these crazy spells to keep us invisible. We ran right into this dodgy little neighborhood where someone blew up the house we were standing beside. And that’s when I got launched into the air while on fire. ON FIRE! OMG DREAM WORLD! Now my safety precautions are kicking in and I’m like STOP, DROP, AND ROLL! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL! But I can’t. You cannot stop, drop, or roll when tossed 250 feet into the air. So I cross my legs and am just like when is this going to be over. Going to go to my zen place with my back on fire. I tried to do this thing where maybe I can make myself pass out so I won’t remember. Nope. I hit the top of my arc and start coming down slowly, always with the sense of relief because it’s kinda slow, then I start going really fast. I’m all like bugger and see this trail of smoke behind me. But do I wake up seconds before I smash into a hard brick building? OF COURSE NOT! I crash REALLY hard into a wall usually bringing down a lot of building debris on top of me. And it freaking hurts. But you know the kicker?

I’M INVISIBLE AND NO ONE WILL EVER FIND ME TO HELP ME!

After coming to the conclusion that I am alone, I usually wake up. And I’m always so sore and stiff, can hardly move, and am usually shaking and freaking out and sweaty. Maybe it’s my body’s natural explanation for getting stiff when I sleep. But what about the being on fire? I don’t know. But I don’t like it. I don’t like when an explosion shoots me up like some sort of deranged Mario on a pogo stick (it happens a lot). It’s not fun the feeling of your stomach in your throat as you keep going up and up and up. Then you look down and the ground keeps getting smaller and smaller and you kinda wanna puke but if you do you know the odds are never in your favor and you are gonna end up in it. Then you start to fall, whole new set of panic and bad nauseating feelings arise, and, in my case, always crash into something hard. Where you sit, covered and alone.

So whoever is in charge of dreams, can I end up hanging out with my free pass five sometime? Or maybe just having fun with the HP Trio without all the death and destruction? How about not getting chased by dinosaurs and mysterious strangers? No? Ok then can we at least keep up with hilarity ensuing that people can laugh at me about later?

SOLD!

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I’ve been posting facetious crazy things to my tumblr lately that I thought I would share here. First was this funny video by Steve Kardynal who I am currently in LURVE with:

Then I posted I facetious post about the budget:

Dear America,
I know I promised to bring our troops home, end the war, and institute social change, but I got busy ok! I had to take my wife to the movies in NY…C and go on vacation. GOD Can’t a brother get a break! Anyway, I know I just started a third war and sent a bunch of people to Libya, but remember what I said about social change? Yeah. You all volunteered to be in the military right? One time I watched Star Trek and y’know there was no money. So how about we start that right now! I just won’t pay you and you will fight for peace, justice, and the American way. Sound cool?

*Insert nasaly voice* DID I DO THAT?

Love,
Urkel/Obama

Now I’m going to post about weight loss. I’m back on the train. In the last 6 weeks I have been t-tapping like crazy. This time I am taking it slower. Trying to make it a habit I can stick with. So I’ve been doing the 15 minute Basic Workout Plus which is a full body, isometric workout that I would describe as cardio yoga. It stretches and uses muscle activation like yoga but it incorporates lymphatic pumping and cardio through its intensity. Pretty sweet right? In 6 weeks I have gone from a size 16 to a size 10. Pretty excited about that. I was hoping that it would keep melting off quickly, so I started adding some of the online free exercises and some exercises from another video called critter crunch to my 15 minutes making it 30 minutes every other day. From this week to last week I stayed the same in my inch loss in most places, though I still continue to lose around my waist line and hips. I hadn’t done the extra 15 minutes consistently last week. I’m trying to decide if I should slow it down to just the 15 minute every other day or keep it up with the 30. I’m also wondering if maybe I should just alternate them like do the 15 minute one day and then the floor work extra stuff the next. I feel like I get more out of the floor work, but I don’t know. And next week I leave for 10 days for a road trip so I think probably trying the 15 every other day for the next 3 weeks would be a good way to judge if the 15 minute workout will be enough to maintain what I’ve done.

How do you mix up a workout when you plateau?

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