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Posts Tagged ‘baby’

I had a long conversation with my aunt and uncle in Oklahoma about my miscarriage. Mostly we talked about how horrible my family is telling me that it’s because I’m a “bad person” that I lost the baby. And that I’m obviously broken because they never lost children so there’s obviously something wrong with me. But we started talking about something deeper.

I come from a very abusive family. My biological father was a violent alcoholic who lashed out against me (often it was my own fault. I’d pick a fight so he’d leave my smaller siblings alone) and as I got older and he got clean started doing other lovely things. When I told my mother about what was going on she told me I had no idea what it was like to live with the other woman. Then he left and at first she was heartbroken then she decided to blame all of her problems on him. She used to talk whimsically about how he told her that if she got pregnant he’d marry her and so she trapped him by getting pregnant with me, then turned into I wouldn’t have had to marry him if it wasn’t for you. Apparently I don’t have a soul since I wasn’t born of love. My sister and father are bipolar. I have a schizophrenic cousin. We have a history of cancer and other lovely things in our family tree. Do you see where I’m going? For over a year I’ve been telling myself I didn’t want to have a baby. What sort of selfish jerk am I to bring a child into the world with all these problems? Not to mention a glutton for punishment. Why would I want to have a mom, dad, or sister?

I told my aunt and uncle this. They disagree. “What do you know about cloning?” my aunt asks.

“They take your DNA and make another you.”

“But is it the same you?”

“No, because that person goes through a different life so you’re not the same. You look alike and have some similar predispositions but you are a victim of your circumstance. *Pause* Oh…”

Then she asked why my sister is the way she is. And I promptly responded with the she was never punished or held accountable for anything, was constantly bailed out of every situation, etc. And I realized that there are some predispositions for addiction and such in my family, but we are not doomed to become a pedophile or an ax murdered because our parents were that. We are victims of our circumstance and it’s how we are raised that make the difference. Could they still have mental illness? Yes, but would I just let them sit and suffer like I did or get the help they need and see the signs of what was going on? Probably.

Do I still want to foster and adopt? Someday. It’s a very lengthy and expensive process. But have I finally stopped beating myself up about wanting to have children? Yes. I have realized that just because my parents were bad doesn’t mean I’ll be a bad parent. The thing is I see the problems and actively want to make a change. Many of our behaviors are learned, not predisposed. It helped me to realize that where I came from does not dictate where I will go. I can have a beautiful family filled with love because it is our actions and choices that make us who we are.

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On mother’s day…

Having a hard time. I haven’t posted about this yet. Please those of you who know me on facebook do not post anything over there about this. Trying to keep it private, but really need to talk. 4 weeks ago I found out I was approximately 4 weeks pregnant. Period was spotty, had huge and very sensitive boobs, irrationally emotional, horribly nauseous and puking. Finally put two and two together and took a test. It was positive. Told Steven. We were kinda like OMG WTF. we weren’t trying. It was an accident. And I was being super careful. Like I’m off the pill, but I don’t let him get anywhere near me until he’s gloved (Do you have any idea how many sperm are in pre-cum?) and we use spermicide lube. This was the 14th. At 1234am I lost it. Been having a hard time dealing with it. Some days are worse than others.

Medically I’m ok, though this brings up two possibilities that have been haunting me. Are the doctors right and I’ll never have kids and just be cursed to miscarry over and over or will I be the other side where 90% of women who miscarry then carry a baby to term the next time. Will we ever actually have kids? *insert a million questions and insecurities about having children* I keep thinking about what could have been. And I know that it’s not my fault, I couldn’t have done anything, there was something wrong with the fetus and it needed to be exited. I get that. Doesn’t help the sadness and the questions no one can answer until we decide to try. Still having a hard time with it though.

Which brings me to my post today:

Why do I go on facebook? It really just pisses me off. Some asshat is doing that stupid my baby develop app thing where it’s like my baby has eyeballs now. My baby is a grain of rice sized. My baby is made of mucus and looks like snot. Whatever. Anyway, she started doing it at 2 weeks and I was like OMG honey, I really hope you don’t lose it putting this out there that early. She’s going on about how she can feel them kicking at 4 weeks. *rolls eyes* She insists she’s having twins though she hasn’t been to a doctor. Then last week she miscarried at 9 weeks. Yesterday she got 35 comments about how she’s still a mama and blah blah blah. I really wanted to punch her. HARD. In her baby maker.

Does this make me awful? I’m sure if I would put this on facebook people would have sent me comments. A couple of people that I told about what happened did sent me really nice comments yesterday. Made me feel both better and worse. Yeah I am a little bit of an exhibitionist, I run multiple blogs so yeah, but seriously? Not the type of person to put my pee stick on facebook the minute it happened. I would tell people that I was close to the first trimester but not many because if shit like this goes down I don’t want to have to tell everyone oh yeah, never mind about that baby thing. At the same time, having this huge group of people to rally behind me would be nice. I don’t know. I didn’t tell a lot of people and what? Now I’m sad I’m not getting a bunch of attention about it? Seriously how fucked up am I?

Maybe I’m being too hard on this chick on facebook. She’s hurting, I’m sure, and the thought probably did not cross her mind that she could lose it before she posted all that on facebook, but still I’m irrationally angry at her and all the pregos and all the stupid effing people with their baby pictures on facebook. I’m sure she’s pissed at them, too. And pissed at the people that still don’t know she lost the baby and are going to ask things, especially when they ask things in a couple of months and such. I won’t have to go through that thank God. The how come you’re not showing? Or when’s that baby due? Or some jerk who comes and rubs your belly and you’re like no more baby in there. So that’s one battle I won’t have to fight because I didn’t tell very many people. And for that I’m grateful.

And seriously? I was only about a month prego, that’s less than 9 weeks, and I only knew about it for a day. WTF is wrong with me?

Overall I feel like I’m doing a lot better. I mean yesterday was a bad day, and today I’m pissed at this stupid person on facebook, and all pregos, but still. Overall I’m not nearly the crying dribbly mess I was a couple of weeks ago. Wednesday night and Thursday have been getting better, though I was pretty down in the dumps last Thursday.

Now for exercise and trying to force my mind to deal with it and then move on to something else.

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